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In the darkness
Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mocking Bird, Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], James Bond in Dr No: these are the top three positions in the list of 50 Greatest Movie Heroes Of All Time, according to a recent poll by the American Film Institute.
Other heroes on the list include Clarice Starling in Silence Of The Lambs at number 6,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Lassie in Lassie Come Home at number 39, and Moses in The Ten Commandments at number 43 - that's right, Moses, who led the Israelites out of Egypt, who parted the Red Sea, who received the Ten Commandments from God Himself,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], was beaten on a hero list by a fluffy brown and white collie with doggy breath.
Anyway, I was pretty happy with this poll: I thought all the movie-hero choices were pretty good, but there were a few major omissions,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and I'm referring specifically to the greatest movie heroes of all - the nameless ones, the selfless ones, the ones who sit right next to us in the cinema and do the deeds that no one else in the audience has the guts to do. Yes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I'm talking about movie heroes like the Person-Who-Runs-Outside-To-Tell-the-Projectionist-That-The-Picture-Is-Out-Of-Sync-With-The-Sound,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and the Person-Who-Asks-The-Usher-To-Turn-Down-The-Air-Conditioning-Because-People-Are-Getting-Hypothermia, and of course,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], who can ever forget the Person-Who-Tells-The-Little-Kid-Sitting-In-The-Front-Row-To-Please-Stop-Rustling-That-Frickin-Packet-of-Cheetohs.
I've always admired these movie heroes, because I've never had the nerve to do what they do: I remember last year when I went to see Bend it Like Beckham and the film suddenly stopped just near the end, and we all sat there in the audience, feeling helpless, thinking "WHO AMONG US HAS THE COURAGE TO STAND UP AND FIND AN USHER?" Then a man stood: a small, sturdy man with a twinkle of determination in his eyes - well at least I think it was a twinkle of determination, it was very dark in there.
This guy hurried outside to get an usher, and when the film started again, we all gave him a big cheer - even though he wasn't there to hear it, because the doors had locked behind him and he couldn't get back into the cinema, and we were all too busy watching the end of the film to let him back in.
And the year before that,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I went to see the Blair Witch Project, and someone had left the cinema doors open: light was flooding into the theatre, it was very distracting, and we all just sat in our seats, thinking "WHO AMONG US WILL RISE UP AND CLOSE THE DOORS?" - even though I was sitting so close to the doors myself, I could've just leaned forward a couple of millimetres and pushed them shut with my chin. Then a woman rose: a noble,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], fearless woman in trackie pants and cheap sneakers. She went to the doors, and slammed them shut, allowing us all to watch our scary movie in total pitch-blackness . . . and then five minutes later, she rose from her seat again, and opened the doors back up again, because it was a little TOO dark.
And just two days ago, I went to see Russian Ark, which is a 99-minute film exploring four centuries of Russian history,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], all shot in one single take - it's a pretty impressive achievement, although my friend Theresa once shot a two-hour,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], single-take video of her kid's creche Christmas concert,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and personally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I thought the acting was better.
Anyway, I was sitting in the cinema and there was a young couple sitting in front of me: they were all giggly and chatty and touchy and wriggly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], whispering cutesy-wutesy love things to each other - they were talking so loud, I couldn't hear a single word of the Russian subtitles. I started thinking, "Who will stop this nauseating cutesy-wutsey-ness? OH MOVIE HERO,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], SHOW YOURSELF AND TELL THEM TO SHHHHHH", but no movie hero appeared, and that's when it occurred to me that I was the only other person in the whole theatre - for the first time in my life, I was going to have to be the movie hero.
My gut turned,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], my stomach twisted, c'mon Danny, be a brave little soldier: I thought to myself "OK, next time they make a noise,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I'll say something" - 20 seconds later, they giggled and chatted and kissed again, and I thought to myself "OK, NEXT time they make a noise, I'll say something". This went on for some time, and then finally I couldn't take it anymore, I mustered up every ounce of courage I had within . . . and I did it, I DID IT . . . I shoved the back of their chair ever so slightly with the tip of my knee,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], just a teeny-tiny bit,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and that was enough,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they got the hint, they stopped giggling and chatting and touching, and at that moment, I BECAME THE ATTICUS FINCH OF THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX.
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